He must have gazed deeply into my eyes

It was one of those tough days, when at the end of the day all you want to do and all you wish is to hit the bed and slip into that beauty sleep. As soon as I was back from office, all the four of my little ones were waiting with their little tasks that they wanted Appa to do. So the day went on, finally we had finished the prayers, put the three elder angels to sleep finished dinner and was ready to go to sleep. But there was only a slight hitch, the youngest member of our family Kunju Babychan had decided that it was play time and there was no way he was going to sleep till he had enough of his fun. After a little while of his romping on the bed, we switched off the light and put the feeding bottle in his mouth praying he would go to sleep with that. We lay quietly with bated breath to see if he had gone to sleep. But as soon as his bottle of milk was over, there he was up and running playing obstacle race over both me and Rani. After a little while Rani was fast asleep with all the commotion around her, but I was not able to catch even a wink with him trundling around. So i caught hold of him as he was doing his vault over me, pinned him down, took him in my arms and started rocking him and signing all the lullaby s and nice old Malayalam Jesus songs, and finally he was asleep. I laid back thank fully and was out in a moment. Then through the night there was the two customary bottle feeding sessions and I was thoroughly out in the morning. Rani got up early to get the two kids ready for school and I was hoping to just extend my beauty sleep a bit more. I could not even get my head up from the pillow. Then as on cue I felt the two little hands of kunju babychan on me and his happy laughing gurgling sound. He was ready to play again. I felt all the tiredness welling up into a wave of anger. I definitely could not take it any more, I needed that hour of rest desperately. But bebychan is not one of those people who can take no for an answer, he started crawling over me and headed for the edge of the bed. With all the anger I felt I dragged him back and picked him up. I looked at him with all the frustration I felt. As I looked into his eyes, he gave me his customary smile, happy gurgle and drooled all over my face. At that moment all my anger, tiredness, frustration, every thing melted away. I looked deep into his eyes and saw only unconditional love, joy, hope and trust in there.

For a moment I was stuck dumb. I may have found an answer I was searching for. At the moments of my pain and suffering I had asked Jesus several times, how could you bear those sufferings on that cross for us ? And how can you ask us to endure the sufferings in our lives in a similar way ? I think at those moments on the cross when it was unbearable, he would have looked deeply into my eyes and all the loved ones, with that infinite gaze of love of his own. He must have seen only his own love reflected in them and that would have strengthened him. "His love reflected in the eyes of all the generations down". I hope he looked deeply into my eyes too, and he saw a little bit of that wondrous love reflected in them. And that he still does look deeply into these eyes of mine when I still crucify him through my unloving ways and he continues to see a little ray of that love which he lovingly kept in my heart before I was born, peeping through ....

Discovering God in Nature

Dear Friends,

I have been silent for a long time. It was a long silence and I have my favorite excuse of being too busy ... But I decided to break my silence. I have been reading the posts and it has been an experience in itself.

So I felt if I don't give back after gaining so much that would not be right. So all you friends who inspired me through their posts in the blog, this is dedicated to your wonderful sharings.

First I will write about one of the experiences in the Discover program. This happened during the session discover God in Nature.

When we were asked to go out and discover God in nature, I felt very enthused. For me I feel closest to God when I see the beauty of His creation in nature. And the session was early in the morning and my intention at first was to sit some where in the garden and have a wonderful time of being with Him. But I never knew what our wonderful Lord had in store for me that beautiful morning. That is one thing that I have experienced, when we go looking for his footsteps, or in search of his love actively seeking, He gives us Glimpses of himself and experiences of His wonderful love in unexpected and profound ways.

But alas I am too busy to seek him out in the daily rigors of life :-(. Let me stop all my ranting and get into my experience now.

But when I decided to seek Him. The first thing that I saw when I got out was the "Chethy" flowers in full bloom.


(Picture of a Chethy flower like the one I found that morning)

My first urge was to pass by and find a cozy spot in the middle of the garden where I could enjoy the nature around me and tell my lord in the silence of my heart how much I loved him that morning. But I was not able to pass by those flowers that morning. So I decided to sit by those flowers and find out if God wanted to tell me some thing. I sat on the cement ledge by the side of the Chethy plant and started looking at the flower. In no time He opened my eyes to look at the ordinary flower in a new way.

The first thing that attracted me was the redness of the flowers. Although I had looked at the chethy flower numerous times before, that morning the redness of the flowers evoked a new emotion with in me. Suddenly the redness of the chethy flower symbolized the love of my Lord.

For me the red colour represented the intense love of my Lord. It represented the love with which He poured out His blood for me on the calvary. Its the same love which prompted him to share His body and Blood in the institution of the Eucharist so that I could be one with him. The red represented His love which was passionate, intense, all consuming and self giving. It was new and fresh that morning like the bunch of that freshly bloomed flowers in the morning.His love manifested freshly in those flowers and in my life was there for me to relish and enjoy that morning.

Then I started looking at the flowers more closely. Those flowers each of them although were simple to behold, were individually beautiful and different in their own way. They seemed to me to represent the small and big instances of His love that I had experienced in my life. Each one was different in its own way and yet beautiful. And when all those instances of love combined together in my banquet of life, my life became beautiful and meaningful. Each day of my life, he was there with his bunch of fresh and intense love specially made for me. All through the day he drops a beautiful instance of his love into my day, so that at the end of the day, I am left with a bunch of his love to thank and praise him at the end of the day. I am left with a beautiful bunch which I can leave at his feet before going to sleep enfolded in His arms.

Then suddenly I started notice the gaps between the flowers. The voids which looked dark and empty. As I looked at the individual spaces, they seemed with out beauty, standing out dark and with out colours in between the beautiful red flowers. Suddenly they reminded me of those moments in my life where I could not find the love of my Lord. Moments where I needed the love of my Lord to comfort me, to uphold me, to soothe my pain. But I could not find His love, I could not feel His love. Those moments stared back at me like those voids, dark, ominous, evoking fear. Suddenly God made me take a step back and see the whole bunch of flowers again. Now those dark voids were the ones that gave definition to the individual flowers. Those dark voids added beauty to that bunch of flowers. With out those voids, those gaps, the whole bunch of flowers would have been a red sphere. Because of those voids, the beauty of those flowers were enhanced. They became more defined. It gave me a new insight into those moments of pain, rejection, sorrow, fear, etc. They enhanced the beauty of my moments enjoying the love of my Lord. They gave more meaning to those moments of love. With out those voids in my life, my reunion with the love of my Lord would not be so intense, so precious, so much to be cherished. So for a moment I bowed my head in thanks, my heart brimming with joy for the infinite love of my Lord and the beautiful life he has made much more beautiful for me tan that bunch of flowers.

With that let me finish and say to my Lord I love him and to you my friends you are the visible signs of His love, flowers in the bunch of my life He has given.

Love and Prayers ....