Discovering God in my sinfulness

I have been able to mature in a lot of areas in my life through these years. But I have terribly failed to make any progress in few others. A side that is exposed to me and God alone! The sins that I confess over and over. I hoped a day will come when I will victoriously overcome these weaknesses.

Years gone by and I still fail. I fought with myself, wrestled with my decisions and despised my wretched plight. Asked God why am I not made pure in all areas? Guilt haunted me and I stayed away from the presence of God like Adam hid after he sinned. Thankfully every time, confession brought me back to the Merciful, Unconditional Love

Just the other day, reflecting on this, God brought me a thought. Suppose my son is very fond of chocolates and I have warned him not to touch those chocolates in the fridge. One day when I was sleeping he took it and ate it and I knew it. I saw my son lying on the bed and not talking to anyone. He is not bubbly anymore. He is wrestling with himself, probably questioning himself why did he do it. He knows I love him a lot. He can't face me. When I see him struggle, I’m filled with compassion and I go to him and say son, come to me then he will break into tears and say appa... I .... I would say to him, I know you love chocolates. Appa also loved chocolates I hug him and he will say i will not do it again. He is healed and I'm made to feel so joyful!! I know, since he love chocolates, he might do it again.

I guess this is what happens when I sin. Instead of wrestling with myself, I must go to appa and hold his hands and before I even say sorry, He will say I know it son and I love you still!!

I learned, when I try to patch up things myself after committing sin I am being proud. I do not want to admit that I'm week. I do not want to go to appa because I fear He will scorn me and I will feel rejected and unaccepted. This would mean I do not know His immense love for me. But instead if I walk to him and hold his hands after every sin, I’m admitting my weakness and being humbled. and I promise him sincerely that I will never sin again.

Some points in the reflection:

• My father knows me, my background and the reasons why commit certain repeated sins
• He loves me not only when I’m sinless but with all my wretched frailty
• My being able to go and hold his hands every time I sin depends on how much I know my father and His love for me.
• If i'm being passive after sin and make no effort to reconcile, it's time I test my love for the Father and know that I’m heading to loneliness, rejection and seclusion and finally fatherless ness
• Be gentle to myself. Treat my body as a gift. Know that it is mortal and accept its potency to sin
• Do not give up on my constant desire to be pure in my body even at the face of repeated failures.
• Finally, I remain a child to my father however tall I grow

Have I discovered God in my sinfulness...search continues...